-v0.3.5a- -lovebites- - Frankie--39-s Funclub

Version 0.3.5a is not for the living. It’s a fossil from the golden age of creepy abandoned mascot games, before Five Nights at Freddy's made it mainstream. Frankie's Funclub was supposed to be an educational MMO for kids in 1999. But the developer, a man named "Frankie" (real name: Francis Kohl), lost funding, then his mind, then his cursor.

The CRT monitor hums to life in a basement that smells of dust, stale soda, and regret. You double-click the icon—a crude pixel art of a rabbit in a top hat, missing one ear. The splash screen flickers: FRANKIE'S FUNCLUB Version 0.3.5a "Where every day is playday!" Loading... But the loading bar stutters. Glitches bleed purple and green across the screen. A distorted chime plays—half music box, half dying modem. You didn't download this game. It came on a burned CD-R, label handwritten in Sharpie: LOVEBITES .

Scattered through the game’s three broken levels are diary entries from Francis Kohl. They start coherent: "Kids don't want violence. They want connection. So I removed all enemies. Every interaction is now a hug, a song, a pat on the head." Then they warp: "But they kept running away. So I made the hugs tighter. I made the songs never end. I made the pats… harder. LOVEBITES is my apology. It's the bite inside the kiss." One note, buried in the code as a comment, reads simply: // if (player.cries) { frankie.says("Shhh, this is for your own good."); } Frankie--39-s Funclub -v0.3.5a- -LOVEBITES-

Players who reached "Ending E" (the so-called Motherboard Meltdown ) report a final screen. Frankie’s rabbit avatar, now missing both ears, stares at you. Text fades in: "You stayed. Even after the bites. Even after the love turned to teeth. You stayed. That makes you my friend. Forever." Then the game uninstalls itself. But the folder remains. And sometimes, at 3:33 AM, your computer’s CD tray opens on its own.

The patch notes, buried in a corrupted .txt file, read: v0.3.5a: Fixed issue where NPCs would remember past playthroughs. Removed "Hug" command after incident. Added LOVEBITES protocol. Do not exit through the basement door. Version 0

One fan, handle @crushed_velvet, wrote the definitive guide: "Version 0.3.5a isn't a game. It's a séance. Frankie isn't dead. He's just waiting for someone to press 'New Game' one more time. The lovebites are real. They're on your neck. You just haven't looked in the mirror since you played." No known copy of 0.3.5a exists on the public web. But if you find a CD-R with a scratched-off label at a garage sale… maybe don't install it. Or maybe do. Frankie's waiting.

1. The Boot-Up Sequence

When Sunny offers a "sunny smile," your cursor turns into a heart. Clicking initiates -LOVEBITES-. Pip’s avatar stands frozen as Sunny's petals wrap around him. A counter appears: AFFECTION: 97% . Then 98% . Then a crunch. Pip’s HP doesn't drop. His happiness does. And when happiness hits zero, his eyes turn into X’s, and the text reads: "Pip has learned what love costs."

Too much.

In this version, you play as a latchkey kid named Pip. Your goal: collect tokens to unlock the "Forever Funzone." But the other mascots—Soggy the Cat, Mime Tilly, and a horrifically cheerful sunflower named Sunny—have been updated. They don't attack. They love you.